Buffy/Angel = Not Mine. Property of Joseph "Joss" Whedon. Ralph belongs to the UCShippers. Buffy's best friend belongs to me. <VBEG>

Rated NC-17 (as usual)

WARNING: This is not my usual lust drenched Angel(us)/Buffy fic. It's violent. Really violent. And in no small part humorous, IMHO. It's quasi-badfic.

Buffy gets a little help in defeating Angelus...from Ralph. And Massengil. And the Vatican.

WARNING #2: The more I think about it, the stupider this story is, but I had to write it. <G>

Feedback, please. I'll take all comments, flying stakes, naked hunky undead men, etc. at lex@bitchenvy.com

Dedicated to everyone on UCSL, 'cause UCshippers rock. <G> Long Live Ralph!

The Epitome of Evilfic

by Lex, Purveyor of Evil


Giles strode about the library, muttering agitatedly. "Buffy, I just don't know how we're going to be able to finish Angelus off. You seem to be, well, rather..."

"Incapable of doing in my ex-honey?"

"Yes," he agreed miserably. "Not that I blame you in any respect of the imagination, it's just that with his latest destroy-the-world kick, he's become rather difficult to handle."

Buffy sighed. "I know, I know. But when I engage him in a fight, the second I start to win, I back off. I know it's dumb, and that it's dangerous, but the thought...the thought of plunging that stake home is nearly unbearable."

"So the thought of him slaughtering my girlfriend is somehow more bearable?"

She froze, her brain short circuiting in the most painful manner possible.

Slapping his hand over his mouth, Giles gasped, aghast at his own words. "Oh, for the love of God, Buffy, I didn't mean that."

Buffy's eyes filled up with tears. "Yes, you did. It's okay, Giles. Her death is my fault and I know that and every day of my life I have to get up in the morning and live with the knowledge that I caused the death of the woman you love."

Having said that, she fled the room, unwilling to see the pain written across Giles' face.

"Fuck." Giles slammed down the heavy tome he held in his hands. "Bloody fucking excellent, Ripper."


Buffy ran and ran, trying to put as much distance between her and the library as possible. Finally, she made it home, dashing up the steps and into the house on Rubello Drive.

Trying to catch her breath, she slumped to the ground. Her mother, as usual, was nowhere to be found.

She dropped her head to her knees. "I have to do it. I have to stop him from hurting anybody else," she thought out loud, the enormity of the situation finally hitting her. "I have to kill Angel. But how...I don't know if I can beat him, and just when it looks like I'm winning...he trashes me."

"Catch him off guard."

At first, the sound of the voice did not penetrate Buffy's self-pitying haze. And when it did, she looked up.

And screamed.

She leapt up from her seat. "What the FUCK...?"

"Precisely," the creature said.

Buffy shuddered. The creature before her was blue...BLUE?!?...and had a really sad sense of fashion. "I don't want to sound rude...but who the HELL are you and WHY are you in my house?

The creature stuck out his...er...paw. "Hi. I'm Ralph."

"Oh. Um, nice to meet you. I'm Buffy. But why are you here?"

"I'm here to help you with your problem."

"To which one of my many problems would you be referring?

"Your cradle-robbing-creature-of-the-night ex-boyfiend.

"Friend. Boyfriend. And how do you know I called him that?"

"In his case, I'd say that fiend is more than appropriate. But I digress. You have to get rid of him, no?"

"That's the plan. It's just that I can't seem to do it. I have this awful tendency to pull my punches where he's concerned."

"I have the perfect solution. The perfect way to catch him off guard so you can dust him."

"I'm listening." Buffy crouched down to Ralph's level.

Ralph put his arm around her shoulders as he leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"Well, you see, first you have to..."


Later that night, armed with help from Ralph, Buffy set out for the cemetery to end this nonsense once and for all.

She was dressed to kill (literally) in a red lycra tankdress, with a hem that ended just low enough to cover the bottom curve of her ass. Purposely, Buffy left off any and all undergarments, so that she was very naked underneath her dress.

Buffy perched carefully on top of a headstone, allowing enough of her ass to show through, just so he could tell that she was going commando. //Now, all I need is for Angelus to show.//

She prepared for a long wait. But she was pleasantly surprised when he appeared moments later.

"Hello, lover," he purred, sidling up beside her.

She glanced over at him. "Hello to you too, *lover*."

Angelus raised an eyebrow. "Very...friendly tonight, aren't we?"

He looked her up and down, noting (as she had hoped) her lack of foundation garments. "Well, well, well, Ms. Summers, don't we look tasty. You look like you're trolling for a fuck."

She smiled wickedly. "Maybe I am. It's been rather a long time since my last roll in the hay."

"And what an *earthshaking* roll it was." He smirked at her.

"You would know."

"So, Ms. Summers, since you're looking for a fuck...and I *am* the plunderer of your virginity, why don't we have one for old times' sake?"

Buffy shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Willing all of a sudden, Slayer? Should I be concerned that all your tiresome little friends are going to jump out at me?"

"Nah. They'd be really put out with me, attempting to fuck my soulless demon of an ex-boyfriend."

He spread his arms out. "So shall we?"

She hopped down. "Let's do it."


Half stumbling as he dragged her through the cemetery, Buffy mentally crossed herself. //Please Lord, forgive me for what I've done.//

Coming upon a suitably flat clearing, Angelus grunted and tossed her down. "Don't move."

"What's with the new caveman technique? Drusilla into that?"

He nodded his head, acknowledging her jab. "It's just that I've been so long without you..." he murmured as he climbed on top of her, yanking the clingy fabric to her waist. "I," he unzipped his zipper, "find myself in need," he pulled down his pants, the leather fighting against him, "of you...galling as it is to me."

Accommodatingly, Buffy wrapped her legs around his hips. She looked up at him expectantly.

Muscles bunching suddenly, Angelus slammed into her. Buffy let out a squeak of momentary distress as his girth invaded her softness. His eyes nearly crossed with the pleasure of finally being inside her. Diving deeper, he tried to get as far into her as possible.

And that was when the burning started. His eyes snapped open as a howl erupted from his throat. He jerked out of her, rolling to his side, but the burning did not cease. His cock felt like it was encased in fire. He looked down to see sores beginning to form on his abused member.

"FUCK!" Angelus screamed as the pain reached nearly unbearable levels. Lolling his head to the side, his blurred gaze fixed on Buffy, who had straightened her skirt and was now lounging next to him. "What did you do to me, you BITCH?"

"You know, Angelus, they say that diamonds are a girls' best friend. I beg to differ. My best friend is a holy water douche."

Angelus stared at her dumbly.

She patted his head sympathetically. "Yeah, the holy water mixed with my wetness, and it coated your cock very nicely, judging from the size of those sores."

He grabbed his cock, trying to wipe it off, but the wetness only burned his hands.

"BUFFY," he screeched, the agony consuming him, "MAKE_IT_STOP."

Buffy nodded. "Sure thing, lover."

She reached into a magically hidden compartment in her dress and withdrew a stake. Bending over, she kissed his lips. "I loved Angel with all my heart and soul, and I always will. But as for you, Angelus...you can rot in hell." She lifted the stake above her head and plunged it down.

Angelus' eyes bulged, and then he was dust.

Buffy put the stake back in its hidey hole, and brushed her hands together.

"Gotta hand it to that Ralph...the man...er...demon knows how to get the job done," she muttered to herself as she strode out of the cemetery, tugging at the hem of her skirt, which was dangerously near exposing much more than she cared to share with the average passerby.

Ralph, who had watched the whole turn of events, smiled widely as he followed Buffy into her next adventure.




I'm sorry. It had to be done.

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