TITLE: Revisonist History, Part II -- Dead Man's Lament

AUTHOR: Lex

EMAIL: lex@bitchenvy.com

RATING: R, for adult language

DISCLAIMER: Buffy and Crew belong to Joss Whedon, Evil Mastermind. I own nothing but the bitterness.

SPOILERS: Dead Man's Party

SUMMARY: What would have happened if The Argument hadn't been interrupted by the zombies?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: We were cruelly cheated of the "Rip Xander A New Asshole" scene, and I'm bitter. Very bitter. And when I'm bitter, bad things happen. Particularly to Xander, because he is SO deserving of all the torment in the universe.

Buffy's blood ran cold as the hateful words erupted from Xander's mouth. Inside, she screamed, wanting to throw herself at his feet and beg for forgiveness. But then her self-respect took over. //It's not my fault -- I've made mistakes, but I'm not the only one that has...//

"You wanna talk about being an idiot?" She advanced on him, grinning evilly as he retreated.

Oz looked at Willow nervously. "Uh, Will, shouldn't --"

" -- No, let them fight it out. It's the only way." With dread rising in her heart, Willow watched Buffy stalk Xander.

"Oh yeah, Xander, let's talk about being an idiot. Let's talk about being a jealous, selfish, petty asshole, since you obviously know so much about being one, 'Nighthawk'."

"I'm not the one that abandoned her friends."

"Is that your whole argument? I abandoned you? Grow up. I had my own issues to deal with, and I did so in the only manner I could."

"With no regard for us?"

"Listen, jackass, I saved the world. Again. Because I saved the world, AGAIN, you can play kissyface with Cordy and nurse your anger toward me. If I hadn't done what I did, this argument would be merely academic, because Acathla would be fucking you up the ass right about now!"

"You can justify anything, can't you?"

"You know what? I killed the only man I'll ever love -- and news flash for you Xander, you'd never EVER get into my pants even if you were the last man left on earth -- to save you, you miserable ingrate. I obviously made the wrong choice. I should have said FUCK YOU ALL and gone with him."

"Aww, poor Buffy, her boyfriend's a demon. Wah wah wah."

Buffy's eyes narrowed. No one, but NO ONE, said even one word against Angel in her presence. She reached out a prettily manicured hand and gripped Xander around the throat. Ruthlessly, she smiled as the blood drained out of his face.

"It almost makes me laugh, little boy, because the only reason you hate Angel is he's everything you'll never be. He's ten times the man you are and you can't stand that. He's kind, considerate, loving, respectful, and concerned about the feelings of his loved ones. Unlike you."

"Well, isn't he just a saint."

"Then again, compared to you Xander, most men look like saints."

"I wouldn't take you anyway. I'm not into used goods."

"But you're still dating Cordelia? Isn't that odd."

From his corner, Oz winced. Buffy was definitely out for blood.

"Angel may have been a vampire, but you are the demon, Xander. You. And you have no excuse."

"And you're a nothing but a little whore."

"I'd rather be his whore than your girlfriend any day."

Xander flinched.

Dropping him to the ground, Buffy whirled around to confront her mother. "And you!"

Joyce glared at her. "Buffy, stop this right now!"

"Get a grip, Mom. I'm out of here. I can't be bothered with this bullshit anymore."

"Don't you dare walk out of this house --"

"-- Or you'll what? Stop me? I don't think so. Mom, it's about time for your reality check. I'm not the little princess you want, nor will I ever be. I'm seventeen years old, and I'm through. I'm the Slayer, and I will be DAMNED before I have to answer to another soul besides my own. So you can take your orders, and your demands, and shove them. And go finish that bottle of Schnapps while you're at it -- maybe that will improve your disposition."

Joyce recoiled from the hostility apparent in her daughter's voice.

"Actually," Buffy continued, "You can all shove it. I'm tired, so DAMN tired of everything being my fault. It's always MY fault. I tell you something, you don't listen, and something goes wrong, and it's my fault. I take care of everyone all the time, and the one time I need space for myself, to get over KILLING MY LOVER, you begrudge me that. How ungrateful can you be? Oh, I forgot. I'm selfish. It's always about me, me, me. You know what? It *is* about me. I'm the Chosen One. I'm the Savior of the Known Universe. I hate to break it to you, but yes, god damn it, my problems are more important than your petty dating issues."

Xander looked up from his spot on the floor. "You'd sacrifice your friends and family just for your beloved demon. There's no word for a slut like you."

Buffy grinned maliciously. "Yeah, there is. Three of them, actually. The words are "Out" "Of" "Here"." With that, she grabbed a stake and strode out of the house, intending to find Giles and drag him with her to Las Vegas to start that office supply warehouse.

Xander and Joyce stared openmouthed at her retreating form. "But -- but -- who's gonna save us now?" he stammered.

Xander looked at Joyce. Joyce looked at Willow. Willow looked at Oz. Oz looked at Cordelia, who looked back to Xander.

The crush of zombie flesh answered his question.

And then they all died.

THE END

<sigh>

I feel marginally better now. <EG>