1. I apologize in advance for this. I had this thought on my way home from work last night and I had to do it.

2. Not mine. No money. No sue. 'K? 'K. Comments to me (please, pretty please with NutraSweet on top) at lex@bitchenvy.com.

RATING: S for Stupid. <G>

_Takeout Can Be A Deadly Thing_

by Lex, who really ought to know better





"Xander, WAKE UP!," Willow shrieked at the top of her lungs. "I am so TIRED of hearing you snore your way through research."

"Whaaaaaa..." Xander flailed around, looking for the source of the noise.

"Get UP. Help. We need to find a way to restore Angel's humanity before Buffy totally wigs."

"And we all know a wigging Slayer is an inefficent Slayer," he grumbled.

Giles cleared his throat, and the Slayerettes turned to look at him. "Be that as it may, we also need to eat. We've been here for about five hours now, and temperatures are rising, resulting in cranky researchers."

Willow crossed her eyes at him. "Gee, thanks for the tip, Giles. So what do you want?"

"Well, that Italian bread and tomato thing that we had the last time was quite tasty --"

"--Pizza, Giles. It's called "pizza" in this country," Willow said with a grin.

"Oh. Yes, well, that's fine -- that's not fine?," Giles said to Xander, who was furiously shaking his head.

"Chinese, man. Definitely Chinese."

Willow groaned. "Xander, you know that Chinese always gives you...uh...indigestion."

"Willow, do we have to share my gastrointestinal habits with everyone?"

"It's just Giles. He's not everyone."

Giles eyed Xander suspiciously. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"


"Very well, Willow, you order, I'll treat."

"Woo hoo. Now if only Buffy were here..." Xander stopped abruptly.

"She hasn't stopped patrolling since Theresa was killed by Angelus. I think she thinks she can save everyone in Sunnydale just by running herself ragged," Willow said as she picked up the menu from "The China Gourmet". "What does everyone want?"

"Sweet and sour pork -- and you thought vampires were the other white meat -- General Chicken, wonton soup and a couple eggrolls."

Giles took off his glasses. "Do you think that will hold you, or should we order more? One never know when one will encounter a ravenous mob."

Xander glared. "Enough sarcasm, Tweed Man."

Willow sighed. "What did you want, Giles?"

"Oh, I don't know...pick something for me. Something not too scary."

"Something guaranteed not to offend your British sensibilities?"

"Yes, quite."


After placing the order with the very helpful man with the very poor English, Willow returned to her computer.

"Giles, I have managed to visit nearly every occult site on the Web. There is NOTHING useful about soul restoration to be found."

"We can't believe that, Willow. For Buffy's sake, we have to find a way. We owe it to her and to Angel. I imagine he cannot be too pleased, trapped in his body with Angelus."

"Maybe Xander -- wait, where is Xander?"

Willow swiveled around in her chair, only to see Xander draped over the table top. Sleeping.

"Idiot," she muttered.

Giles just polished his glasses.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Xander sat up. "Do I hear food?"

Willow stuck her hand out in front of Giles. He looked at her. "Giles," she said, "This is the universal signal for 'Give me money'."

"Oh. All right." He handed her a twenty.

She looked at him.

He opened his wallet back up and extracted another twenty. She winked at him and grabbed it as she headed toward the door.

A young Asian man was standing there, bag of food in hand. Willow went to hand him the money when he grinned. "Angelus says hello," he said around a mouthful of fangs as he vamped out. Willow screamed and tried to slam the door shut, but he pushed it in, tossing her to the ground. She landed on the bag of takeout, stunned and out of breath from the force of the blow.

Xander and Giles jumped to their feet, circling the vampire.

The vampire hissed at them, and lunged for Xander. Giles swung at him, but missed, and the vampire shoved Giles to the floor, causing him to hit his head on the table.

Xander looked at him. "I hope you don't expect a tip after this."

The vampire just advanced on him, backing him into the table. He grabbed Xander by the shirtfront, lifting the teenager in the air.

Xander closed his eyes, trying desperately to think of a plan.

All of a sudden, he was falling to the ground.


He jerked his head up. Willow stood in front of him with a sharpened chopstick in her hand.

She winked at him. "Sometimes, you just have to improvise."