Title: Yeah, He's Cute, But Is He Housebroken?

Author: Lex

Email: lex@bitchenvy.com

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Not mine. No money. No sue.

Synopsis: This is me poking fun at my own story, "The Most Basic Instinct". It's a spoof.

Notes: I blame Sandra for this one, for no real reason other than I was responding to her post when I thought of it. ;-> Part of this can also be blamed on my mother, who watched that episode from her hospital bed and then called me to discuss it.

It was five-thirty on a weekday, and the Sunnydale High School Library was deserted.

Well, deserted except for Rupert Giles, erstwhile librarian/Watcher, and his Slayer, Buffy Summers. The two of them were leaning over a gigantic tome, the pages nearly brown from age.

Suddenly, Buffy looked at her watch. "Giles, I gotta go. I have to get home, the sun's setting soon," Buffy said as she collected her things from the table. "I'll be back later on tonight."

"Buffy," her Watcher whined, "I really wanted to finish this. Can't your mother walk him and feed him?"

The Slayer shook her head. "You know that he wigs her big time. She can't get within ten feet of my bedroom without him snarling at her, and even though I promised her he wouldn't hurt her, my mother doesn't believe me. She wants me to chain him while he's in the house. Can you imagine?"

"She does have a point. What if he breaks out? He could kill her."

"Oh, he would not. He likes her. He just wants to be petted. He was so cute last night, he fetched her slippers for her -- "

"Be that as it may, he *is* a wild animal."

"He is NOT! He's well trained, and perfectly housebroken. Admit it."

Giles grumbled.

"Admit it!" she pressed.

"Oh, very well, you managed to paper train and leash train him, much to my amazement."

Buffy looked smug. "It just burns you up that I was right." With a smile and a wink, she fled the library.


As soon as her key hit the lock in her front door, she could hear him howling. He had set up a racket the moment he scented her. She grinned. He was such a baby. He hated being alone all day, but what could she do?

Walking up the stairs to her bedroom, she flung open the door, and was instantly surrounded by him, yipping loudly and licking her enthusiastically.

Buffy laughed, pushing him down. "That's Mommy's good boy, that's Mommy's Angel." She made kissy noises in the air. "Does Angel want to go for walkies? Hmmmm? Want walkies?"

Angel yelped and trotted over to the dresser, grabbing his leash. He turned, and brought it back to her. She stroked his scalp, scratching all of his itchy spots.

Lovingly, he licked her hand, then stuck his nose between her thighs.

"Angel," she yelled, swatting him away with her hand, "I told you not to do that!! Only at bedtime can you do that!!!"

He slunk down, whimpering.

Buffy heaved a long-suffering sigh, then she took his leash in her hand. It had been specially made for him; it was one of those retractable leashes, so that she could control how far away from her he could go, and it was nearly indestructible metal cable, so he couldn't gnaw it to pieces like he had the last one.

Buffy snapped the leash to his black leather collar, complete with an identification tag that read:

~Angel~ IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL OWNER. Buffy Summers Rubello Drive Sunnydale, CA (xxx) xxx-xxxx.

Turning on her heel, she sauntered out of her bedroom, Angel walking docilely behind her.


When she reached the stairs, she could see her mother coming through the door. Joyce looked up at her, noting with dismay her daughter's usual shadow.

"For heaven's sake, Buffy, can't you dress him? He's practically naked! What must the neighbors be saying?"

"First of all, he hates clothes. You know the only thing he'll wear are those leather pants. I have enough of a time getting them on him at all! And secondly, I really don't give a shit what the neighbors think. They can talk about us all they want."

Joyce frowned, then skittered back as Angel lunged at her from his position on the stairs. "Aaaarggghh," she yelped, flinging herself back into the door to escape the slavering jaws of her daughter's companion.

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Mom, he's not going to hurt you."

"Buffy, he's jumping on me."

"He's glad to see you. Pet his head. Go on, do it."

Gingerly, Joyce reached out a trembling hand to stroke through Angel's soft hair. She frowned. "It feels better than the last time. . ."

"Yeah, that was the flea treatment. It really did a number on his skin, too. But he's guaranteed flea free for three months, according to the Frontline packet."

Joyce looked slightly green.

Pulling on his leash, Angel whined and looked towards the door.

Buffy nodded. "All right, I know you want to go. Come on, sweetheart." With that, Buffy passed her mother and stepped outside. She walked off the porch, onto the sidewalk, intending to take Angel for a run by the nearby park before bringing him by the Library, but Angel had other plans. Plans that involved Snowflake, the neighbors' prize Persian.

With a snarl and a yip, he dove after Snowflake, catching Buffy off guard. She went flying as her lover flung himself after the disdainful cat. "ANGEL!" she screeched, trying desperately to find a foothold. "ANGEL!!! STOP THAT RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!"

But Angel was deaf to his lover's pleas as the joy of the hunt surged through him. That rotten Snowflake had been taunting him for months, climbing up onto the porch, into their bedroom window, just daring him to come after her. The few times he had tried, the sun had burned him, and he had subsided with a yelp.

But he had not forgotten.

Oh no, he had not forgotten.

Snowflake, realizing that the gig was up, ran through a chink in the Catalano's fence. Bounding after her, dragging along a loudly protesting Buffy, Angel crashed straight through the six foot tall privacy fence.

He skidded to a halt when he realized Snowflake was no where to be seen. He sniffed the air. He could still smell her. She was hiding. . .

Just as he neared her hidey hole, he was jerked back viciously. He looked back, only to see the face of his extremely agitated mate. Swiftly, Buffy smacked him in the nose with the piece of fence that she held in her hand. "BAD ANGEL!!!" she hollered, "BAD, BAD, BAD BOY!!"

Instantly contrite, Angel whimpered and pressed himself up against her, silently begging for her forgiveness.


"You are very, VERY NAUGHTY!!!!!" Buffy yelled, shaking her index finger in his face. "You KNOW you are not supposed to do that, but you do it anyway!! How many times do I have to tell you?"

He whimpered, covering his nose with his hands. He focused his gaze on a spot on the ground, evading her eyes.

"Angel, look at me," she growled, seriously aggravated.

Guiltily, he peered up at her.

"Are you going to be a good boy for Mommy now or are you going to be a bad boy? I don't love bad boys. Bad boys get locked in the basement with no treats."

If such a thing were possible, Angel looked even more pathetic.

Buffy heaved another sigh, and shook her head. "All right, let's go to the Library."

At the mention of "Library", Angel's ears perked up, and he voiced his approval. Loudly. Buffy smiled. "And if you walk nicely, I think Giles may have a sausage treat for you."

That was all it took. Angel calmly followed Buffy through the remains of the neighbor's fence. Rounding the corner, Buffy went up to the Catalano's front door and rang the bell. Angel hovered at the bottom step, ashamed of himself.

When Mrs. Catalano answered the door and saw Angel's guilty face, she frowned. "He do it again?"

Buffy winced. "Mrs. Catalano, I'm so sorry, but you know how he gets around Snowflake. . ."

"Buffy, I can't keep on replacing that damn fence. See he minds his manners in the future, please."

"I'll try. I promise. And I'll have the money for the fence tomorrow. I just have to stop by the bank on my way home from school."

The older women harumphed and shut the front door.

Buffy glared at her boyfriend. Angel tried to look innocent. He felt bad, he really did. . .but they were going to the Library! Where he could play and Giles would give him special treats! If he had had a tail, he would have wagged it.


On the way to the Library, they encountered several cats, all of which Angel ignored. Or at least he tried to. Buffy was forced to yank his lead so that he was only about two feet from her. "I'd get you a choke chain," she threatened, "But you don't need the air."

Angel just kept on walking, only pausing to investigate a particularly foul smelling fire hydrant. He was fascinated by it, sniffing gleefully. He raised his leg, intending to mark it.

Out of the corner of her eye, Buffy caught the motion. "ANGEL! That's gross. Stop that!" she shrieked as she swatted his leg down. "You are NOT a dog to be pissing on fire hydrants!"

Grumbling, Angel allowed himself to be pulled away.

By the time they made it to the Library, Buffy was exhausted. She could fight a pack of demons, no problem, but her boyfriend took everything out of her, especially during the full moon. She looked up into the night sky, into the round moon. It made him do crazy things.

They snuck into the Library, which was kind of difficult as Angel didn't really understand the concept of "sneak", but they made it in without Snyder seeing them. Once inside, Buffy unsnapped his leash, and Angel bounded up the stairs in search of Giles. His search was halted by the exuberant barking of Oz, who had been sleeping on Willow's feet as she researched the latest demon to come to the Hellmouth.

Joyfully, Angel ran towards Oz. The two snarled and yipped and licked each other as they tumbled around, roughhousing. Sighing, Buffy slumped down next to Willow.

"Rough night?" Willow questioned, turning to face her friend.

"It's the moon, it makes Angel do the wacky."

Willow grinned. "Don't I know it."

"Yeah, but your love muffin is only Beastie Boy three nights a month. I have mine 24/7."

The redhead nodded. "But he looks good. I'm really sorry that Oz gave him fleas, you know."

"I forgive you. Even though that flea dip gave me hives in places I should never, ever have hives."

"Most users of that flea dip do not have sexual activities with their owners, Buffy."

"That's a lovely rash you have on your chin, Will." Buffy grinned wickedly.

Willow blushed, acknowledging the direct hit.


The women relaxed as they watched their lovers frolic about. Angel seemed to be chasing Oz's tail.

Buffy shook her head. "You know, I think he's jealous that he doesn't have a tail of his own."

Willow smiled fondly. "But he's cute just the way he is.

They shared a grin.

"I hate to disturb this heartwarming bonding session, but have we found anything about this three headed demon that is currently plaguing Sunnydale?" said the disembodied British voice coming from the stacks.

Angel froze mid-chase as he heard that voice, then howled happily and raced up the stairs, knocking into Giles and sending him flying. Buffy leapt to her feet in time to see the book Giles had been holding fly over the railing. Giles' tweed clad form soon followed.

"Angel!!!" Buffy bellowed, rushing up the stairs to divert her over-enthusiastic boyfriend.

Meanwhile, Giles had managed to wrestle a grinning Angel to the floor. Giles was the champion of that bout -- until Oz decided that he wanted in on the fun and joined the fray. Willow, having had enough of her mentor being pummeled, stood up on her chair and growled, "OZ! SIT! NOW!" in a voice that reeked of authority.

Oz, hearing the menacing tone in her voice, promptly sat down. He knew what was good for him.

Angel still hadn't learned that very valuable lesson. He continued slobbering on Giles' prone form until he was propelled forward by a hard smack to the ass. He yelped loudly, turning his head only to notice 5" 3' of blonde fury heading his way. "SO HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING TO BEAT THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU IF YOU DON'T START TO BEHAVE!"

Oz, Giles, and Angel blanched in unison, all three males hunkering down on their respective stomachs. Buffy threw her hands up in the air. "God, please give me strength," she pleaded, her will to live nearly gone. "Oz," she barked, "Go sit by Willow." "NOW!" she bellowed when he hesitated. Oz squeaked and fled to the relative safety of his girlfriend's lap.

"Angel, SIT!" she continued. Angel froze as if his ass were nailed to the ground. Instinctively reacting to the anger in Buffy's voice, Giles found himself sitting as well.

She shot him an exasperated look. "Giles, you don't have to sit. You can stand, it's okay."

Giles blushed crimson, and stood, stuttering wildly. "B-B-Buffy, I don't, um, don't know w-what came over me...You were just so forceful..."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Well, you're apparently the only one that thinks so. Angel over here just ignores me."

At the sound of her voice, Angel whimpered and slunk over to her on his belly.

Hands on hips, she peered down at him. "Now are you going to behave?"

Balefully, he gazed up at her, begging her forgiveness with his eyes. He raised up on his haunches and pressed his head into her hand, trying desperately to make nice before she gave him a holy water bath.

Accepting defeat, Buffy stroked his head affectionately. "All right, all right, you big goof. Let's go patrol and then go home to bed." At the mention of bed, Angel let out a gleeful yip.

Eyebrows raised, Giles said, "Interesting...that he connotes 'bed' with happiness."

Buffy had the decency to blush. "Um, gotta go. I'm going to see if I can run this three headed guy down with Angel. His sense of smell is better than mine anyway."

Walking over to the couple now tussling on the floor, she scratched Oz's back and shared a conspiratorial grin with Willow. "Don't research too hard, Will."

"I'll try not to," Willow said dryly.

Snapping on Angel's leash, she waved at her friends and took off into the night with her lover at her side, ready to face whatever demons the Hellmouth chose to throw at her.





It had to be done. <G>